Thoughts When I See a Magazine Headline “How They Got Their Bodies Back”
1. Wow. What was it like to be atmospheric? Did you feel like a cloud, or other particulate matter? Could you communicate at that time, or did you have to wait until you had a mouth again? If you were particulate, did each particle have a different emotion or viewpoint, or does the whole mass feel as one? And when did you first become atmospheric, how did it happen? Was it at the end of a particularly empathic yoga class, and you just went “poof”? Often, I am concerned about that. Please, tell me more.
2. Oh, wait, perhaps I misread. Were you talking about how sometimes when you kill a bunch of people and you put them in the back of your truck and you’re driving really fast and you take a turn past the Craft and Hobby store on the way to the quarry, a couple of them can fall out and then it’s confusing whether they’re in the parking lot of the Craft and Hobby or that other place that shares the lot, but there’s that little divider that made you jag so they could be THERE, and then when you retrace your steps, they’re totally GONE? God, that’s funny. I totally could have given that interview. So for real, tell me, how’d YOU get your bodies back?
3. Wait a minute, maybe I’m totally off base. Is it one of the following?
a. a body-switch story– that’s pretty silly, because everybody knows that the body switchback is directly related to the way the bodies were switched in the first place (magical fortune cookie, peeing in a fountain, et cetera), and therefore cannot be spoken about generically
b. a story teaching the basics of rinse, lather, repeat
c. an elaborate fart denial
Barring these options, I’m unsure as to what you people are talking about. Whether I gain ten pounds or lose three, I’m pretty much always in possession of my body. It’s mine. It’s not only “my body” when it looks a particular way. It’s also “my body” when it looks differently, behaves differently, and goes through the common or less common changes it’s prone to go through. I used to have a body that was three feet tall. And then I had one with a perfect ass and then I had one that drank too much alcohol once and then I had one that had some troubles and then I had one that learned to scuba. Still my body.
So please put stories that are either more accurate or more entertaining on the cover of your magazines, people. Perhaps you’ll find material for a “How We Got Our Intelligent Customers Back”– I’m wishing you luck on that one.
Posted on January 9, 2012